I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
