the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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