dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.