my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
