4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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