No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
