I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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