What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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