hell yes lets make some ravioli
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
