dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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