shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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