I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
