my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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