I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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