this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
