just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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