Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
They have beer where we have blood.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
