my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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