She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
