just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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