i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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