ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
