You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
