life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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