When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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