Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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