Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
