Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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