I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
