hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
