i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
