i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
3pm strippers are depressing
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
