The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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