i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
