heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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