Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
