I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We're too hungover to prance.
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