Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
