Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dating After Heartbreak
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor