I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕