Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
