I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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