Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
