just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
