Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
