Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
