I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
