Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
