Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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