The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
