"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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