if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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