I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
