are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
