Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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