I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
