today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
