I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
