I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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