I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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