What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
