That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
