Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
