I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
