Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
