Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
